37 Years Later - Finally Grieving Mom

Mom,

I miss you. So much. Your Love. Security. Patience. Calmness, Attention. Warmth. Quiet. Mostly, I miss your understanding. Of me. You got me. You KNEW me. We are so similar. I now realize how much of our relationship went unspoken.

But now, now at 53 with 3 adult children and in a reflective state, I have so many questions I want to ask you. Stuff a son should know about his mom but I either never knew or can’t remember. Your favorite color is blue. What is your favorite food? Drink? Restaurant? Favorite places in the world? Where have you traveled? Did you miss Virginia? Ohio? Did you enjoy living in California? Fullerton?

What about books? You loved to read. What are your favorites? Oma saved your childhood Black Beauty books. You once gave me a book told from the perspective of cats. I loved it. You said it was one of your favorites as a child. What is the name of this book? What else? I remember most evenings you reading or doing needlepoint in the black recliner. But I don’t remember what you were reading. Favorite book as an adult?

TV shows? I remember you and dad watching All in the Family and La Verne and Shirley. Dad would shut the pocket door, telling Pam and me to be quiet and that television watching was serious business.

Movies? I remember you and dad getting a babysitter (I hated that) so you could go to “Movie Group” where you’d meet friends to discuss movies. What movies were your favorites? You know my favorite was Wizard of Oz. Did you also like it? Did you watch it with me? I can’t remember.

I remember classic music being played in the house. Did you turn it on or dad? Did you have a favorite? Mozart? Bach? I have many fond memories of Oma listening to classical music and needlepointing. I remember you needlepointing but I can’t remember if music was on.

Writing–if you weren’t reading or needlepointing in the recliner, you were at your desk writing. Writing lots of letters to Oma and friends. I remember your perfect penmanship in blue ink. Did you enjoy writing? Did you write anything besides letters?

I remember you going running with Mindy. Dolphin shorts and a white top. I think you said you’d run from home to Craig Park and back. Did you enjoy running? How many years did you run? Did you do any other exercise?

Speaking of the amazing Mindy…I know you love cats. I remember a book you gave me you read as a child about a cat. I wish I knew which book now. I remember Clarence. And Oscar. And feral Sammie. And then Oscar Jr. And finally Penny. Poor Penny who you wanted to breed but the male had no interest. What about dogs? Did you want dogs? Mindy was wonderful. And then I got Pepper. And then she had 8 puppies and our home was chaotic. And we kept Teddy. Did you want three dogs? Was it too much? And Andy. Why didn’t you tell me Andy was being taken by Animal Services? Why did I have to find out in the moment? Why didn’t we talk about the reasons we couldn’t keep him? What happened to him? Was he adopted? Or put down?

Did you want a family? Kids? How hard was it to get pregnant with me? Or how hard did you try for a second before adopting Pam? What was your greatest worry for me and Pam? What was your greatest hope for us?

I’m still angry and struggle with how Tom behaved during my 12-16 years. Were you having marital problems before Tom vanished on that fateful Saturday? You seemed blindsided but were there any warning signs?” Tom says he had no relationship problems with you. “It was the seductress”.

After he left and came back a year later, did you set any new expectations for Tom? Were you surprised (again) when he left for the second time? Did you ever get professional help during this time? For you? Your depression and shame and guilt? Couples therapy? Why did you continue to agree to allow him back home? Did you ever give him an ultimatum? Were you looking into a divorce?

In your final year, life improved. You finished your masters and got a job you seemed to enjoy. Where did you work? What did you do? You started dating a guy who seemed really nice. What was he like? Did you see a future with him? My life got back on track with school, friends, and I met Jen. What did you think of Jen?

Oma made a huge impact on my life after you died. She lived to 103 and her home in Port Angeles became my home. And Pam’s. And Jen’s. I remember how much you loved it up there. You seemed more relaxed. More at home in nature. Is that true? Did you ever think of moving to the Northwest when Tom left?

Do you have any advice on how to have a relationship with Wendy? She seemed close to her when I was a kid. But she has gotten increasingly more difficult–angrier, more bitter, and unhappy. Nothing is good enough and she lashes out inappropriately, hurting people unnecessarily. I want to have a relationship with her since she’s my last link to you and Oma. But it doesn’t feel worth it.

What was on your mind the day you died 37 years ago? We had an earthquake that morning. You know how much Pam hates earthquakes. You called us that morning from work to make sure we were ok. Then after work you went to watch your boyfriend run at Fullerton College. After that, you were going to come home and head to Fullerton High School to watch Jen play in a basketball game with Wendy. What was going on in your mind that day? Were you rushed? Stressed? Happy? What were your final thoughts when you saw the speeding car coming towards you?

Love,
Karl